VOICES - THOUGHTS ON LOVE AND RAGE BY TATENDA N’GWARU
Tatenda N’Gwaru (She/Her)
I have grown in communities and cultures that believe women should not be loud and voice their opinions: only men can do it. I was brought up to believe when women speak it is disrespectful to men and the world. In this world, it is believed women are dumb and cannot be leaders.
As a different child, and to find out I am intersex, my voice was not supposed to even be accommodated. I yearned for appreciation, acknowledgement, and acceptance. Ultimately, to love is to appreciate, acknowledge and accept one’s difference. When I did not receive love from others, it made me turn that anger inwards, it broke my heart and I had so much rage.
Love is to know to use that anger and create beauty out of it. My ex-fiancée once said to me, " why aren't you happy sitting at home and letting me take care of you. I love you, aren't you satisfied with our life. Why do you feel the need to create problems for yourself?' but that was not love. That was control, this type of control I have found in the world, in workplaces, in music industries, in movies, in hospitals to name a few.
While others have called me an angry Black woman, they had hope it will tame me like a wild animal or make me run back to being in a shell. But I have used their rage and I am so proud of the work it has done for me and for others. Speaking out about being a Black intersex woman is not just freedom for me, it is an act of self-love. That rage and the inspiration from it have helped me give not only myself a voice but so many others.
After years and years of feeling these heavy emotions, my soul was tired and could not carry it anymore, I could not breathe, I wanted my life to end or either to make a change. I made a decision one day to try and fall in love, at first with myself – which I had failed to do because of what I received. I decided to take all that rage and use the strength it had on me to give love and to demand it where need be.
I could transform the rage inside of me or let it destroy me, convert it into love instead. I would combine my love and rage to use it as a superpower and ask for light.
They say why won't you sit there and be pretty. Why cause trouble? Every time a woman speaks, it is rage. What is wrong with rage, I have often asked myself. Rage changes racist policies, rage has changed lives for the better, rage has revealed hypocrisy, rage brings justice. Rage inspires silenced voices to find strength and speak up. Rage brings and demands love
Where would I be without my rage? What would I be without the love it has created in me and for others? There is a time in life where you learn that you need both to thrive.
Tatenda Ngwaru, an immigrant from Zimbabwe, is an asylum seeker and intersex advocate. She is the founder of True Identity, the first intersex organization in Zimbabwe that promoted community awareness of intersex issues. Tatenda is the subject of the documentary She's Not a Boy.
Thoughts on Love and Rage by Tatenda N’Gwaru is part of UKBP Voices ‘Open Diary’ Series. If you would like to share your story with us, please get in contact with us through email – voices@ukblackpride.org.uk.